My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
