the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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