And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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