I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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