I should be sponsored by Trojan
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize