So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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