It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize