is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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