Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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