Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
