Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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