I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
