guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
