You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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