i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
