It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
