Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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