I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
