the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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