I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
