Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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