i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
