Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
