I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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