Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
