he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
