Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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