i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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