it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
