You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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