Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
