Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
