Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
