I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
