we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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