Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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