Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
