Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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