And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
