i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
my liver is dry heaving
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
