FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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