awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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