You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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