cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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