Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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