it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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