I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
