Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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