Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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