connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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