I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
