Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i would one night stand the shit outta him
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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