this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
