dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
