I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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