Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
