What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
