ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
