WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
