At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Found your dick twin last night
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize