Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
