I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
the raccoons are back...
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