Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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