I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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