apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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