I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize