I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
