I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
