Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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