Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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