Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
