I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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